don't do it

A man is out catching mudcrabs.  In australia you can't take the female ones.
A man from the environmental department comes along.  "What's this" he says to the man, pointing at the female mudcrab in the man's bucket.
"Thats my pet mudcrab" the man says " I'm just taking him out for a walk, he comes back every time."watch this " he goes over and puts the mudcrab in the water" 
"Where's it gone?" says the environmental officer.  "Where's what?" says the man.

Why not.. best jokes always insult someone. But anycase.. here's this:

On a German warship during WW2..

Captain Ulrich and chief offiser Dietrich are on deck and captain is watching the horizon with his binoculars when he suddenly spots a torpedo coming towards.

He quickly alarms Dietrich about the torpedo and that there's no way they can evade it.

Ulrich: Could you go below and tell the crew about what's happening. But try to make it so that there's no panic among them.

So Dietrich goes below and to the mess hall were the crew is eating. He thinks for a while and comes up with something he thinks is the perfect way to tell it.

Dietrich: Hey guys. I bet that I could swing my c**k out and slap it to the table and this ship would break apart.

Crew of course doesn't believe him and are more than eager to take the bet.

So Dietrich pulls his pants down and slaps his c**k to the table really hard and the ship falls apart and sinks.

By a miracle both Ulrich and Dietrich survive and are floating on the ships wreckage and by chance they finally meet after floating a while. First thing when they see the captain yells.

Ulrich: Goddam Dietrich.. you should watch out with that c**k of yours.. the torpedo missed.

Cla**ic.

ReeRs

I made one up years ago, that is either funny or super lame.

What do you call an american country and western star that's turned to the darkside?

Darth Brookes